Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
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All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Yup….perfect score!
If only
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke