When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
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Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!