When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.

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[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.


“You could have done so much better than him.”

Me: Mom, I’m right here.


You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.


They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.


I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story


I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.


me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”


I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.


evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.

So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.