@i_Lean
@BucMarvin Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
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@BucMarvin 
@Bob_Heller Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
@Robert_Beau I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
@Book_Krazy Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
@NurseMurderer him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
@sarahwhelmed I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
@XplodingUnicorn 5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
@DanMentos billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
@krishna_van Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
@toujours_fab My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.