@i_Lean
@GrowlyGrego [doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
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@GrowlyGrego 
@ericsshadow “You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
@facciabella You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
@DairylandDon From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
@SwartyComedy They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
@BarryVonAwesome I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
@SarahRydgren I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
@jpbrammer me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
@Greg_1_Leg I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
@kelkulus evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.