When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
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Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Beware of the dog..
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember
me: the question you just asked
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”