Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
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Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.