@i_Lean

When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.

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@BucMarvin

Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.

@Bob_Heller

Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance

@Book_Krazy

Me: Do you have any dreams?

Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…

Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT

@NurseMurderer

him: what are you looking for on this dating site?

me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.

@sarahwhelmed

I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?

Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Mom?

@DanMentos

billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit

@krishna_van

Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me

@toujours_fab

My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.