paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember
me: the question you just asked
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[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Just had to take a urine sample to my GP and at reception they asked me “does the doctor know about this already”. No, no. I just brought a cup of my wee as a present. Please don’t spoil the surprise.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
I have a coworker that gets the same thing every day at lunchtime, diarrhea
The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey
reduce, reuse, recycle
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe