In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
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That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.