Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
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[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
S/o to @funTweeters .
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube