“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”![]()
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Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
I can also cook 😂
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[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
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I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
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Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
Tammy is short for Tamuel
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
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