“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
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wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Jupiter
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*