A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
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Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.