I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
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Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
birds and squirrels envy us
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.