Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
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*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
Ugh but profoundly
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.