Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
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I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions