If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
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FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.