Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
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INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?