There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
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I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.