If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
You Might Also Like
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?