me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
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Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Ape together strong
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
your honor my client chooses dare
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.