me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
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First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.