My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
You Might Also Like
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!