Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
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Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
cat vs inanimate object
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.