The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
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Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,