Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
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Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Best mom ever 😂
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.