One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
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[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not