I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
You Might Also Like
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023