Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
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Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.