If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
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I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Tell the colonel to bring it
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Swedish for common sense.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
I never know how much to tip a cow.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.