“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
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standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.