Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
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Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Jurassic Park CEO: I鈥檓 beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well鈥hat if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
The internet is undefeated.. 馃槀
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
I鈥檓 sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
I did not eat the cake…
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.