Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
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The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle