“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
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Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time