My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
You Might Also Like
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
The point of your 20s
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.