Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
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Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.