Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
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Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
☺️
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.