friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
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Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.