8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
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Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
wtf is an acronym
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.