Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
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I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
This is my bus stop.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.