That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
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Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
nature’s most graceful animal
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.