I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
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With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.