Thank you corporation very cool
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we did it you guys we saved daylight
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
one last job
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
I wish I were this cool 😂
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’