Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
You Might Also Like
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
How wrong was this guy?
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.