Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
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My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
live long and prosper!
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
selena gomez
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.