Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
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This did not end as expected.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.