Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
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Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Oh the world we live in…
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Every house has this drawer
Great acting.. 😂
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.