*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
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Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.