*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
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Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…