*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist![]()
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Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”![]()
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Sex so good you see dead people.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Somebody call the cops.
![]()
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.