People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
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“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
O Wise One….
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video