I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
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One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years