The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
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that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Cat is stressing him out.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!