And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
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It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
this is the most humiliating day of my life
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
I WON A HAM TODAY
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat