[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
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“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
This could’ve been an email.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.