I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
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“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising