Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
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I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?